Columbus Day

Christopher Columbus didn’t discover America. If there were already people here how could he have discovered it.. I would rather we credit Leif Erikson with discovering America. All Columbus did was come over here and spread syphilis. If we were to make holidays for every person who was famous for absolutely nothing and spread STD’s we would have a Paris Hilton and a Kim Kardashian Day

A Pistol Drool

So the other day me and my friend Praire dawg were talking and the topic of adult films somehow came up.  It turns out me and P-Dawg are both bothered by the same thing, “unnecessary spitting” in the porn industry.  I understand that they don’t have the budget of a Harry Potter or a Batman movie, but surly they can afford some lube.  First she’s spitting phlegm on his phallus, then he’s hawkin a oyster on her clan and then some other chic comes in and spittles where she dittles, and then more people enter and more spitting goes on, When does it end?
I personally find a bunch of naked people spitting on each other kind of a turn off.  If it’s in the budget for Rachel Ray to use so damn much damn EVOO, why can’t the porn stars have a tube of Astroglide, can of Crisco, bottle of Weson, some WD-40, a can of butter flavored Pam, a coffee can of bacon grease, a quart of Quakerstate, or anything else slick.
I mean come on people, is there really another occupation around more in need of some lube?  Couldn’t they sign an endorsement deal with KY or something (a little product placement never hurt anyone).  KY could market some new products from such a deal.  Such as: “I can’t believe it’s not a loogie”  or “Odrools”.  If we all work together I’m sure we could but a end to “unnecessary spitting in the porn industry”.

5 podcast you should be listening to

I have an extremely boring job which results in me listening to at least 40 hours of podcasts a week.  I search for new ones all the time for me to subscribe to, but find very few.  So I wanted to make a list of 5 podcast that I look forward to listening to.  I hope this saves someone the trouble of sifting through hour of shit that iTunes has to offer.

All but one of the following podcast are Explicit, if you are easily offended you should probably not download them and should definitely lighten the fuck up.

(list is in no particular order)

1. The Couch Potato Podcast
“The Couch Potato Podcast” is a great podcast that focuses on two dudes (Joe and Jeff) who just sit on the couch and bullshit about television, movies, games, BBQ-ing, beer or whatever the fuck else they feel like talking about.  It’s like “The Talk” with no vaginas.  It feels more like talking with friends about TV and movies and less like an entertainment show.  They give good reviews and keep it all spoiler free.  They offer contests, surveys, and web viewing parties and are always finding new ways to interact and entertain their listeners.

2. Who Charted?
“Who Charted?” is a podcast featuring Howard Kremer, his chart keeper Kulap Vilaysack, and a guest comedian. They count down the music and movies that top the charts each week. And offer insightful reviews, humorous banter, and the occasional original song by Howard.  Very funny and by far the best podcast Earwolf offers.

3. Spoiler Alert Podcast
The “Spoiler Alert Podcast” is a video game podcast hosted by Mark Carrozza and John Traks.  Each week John and Mark choose a different game and go in depth talking about everything in it.  Most video game podcast only focus on new releases and quickly cover several games. This one just focused on one game and breaks it down in a humorous way, offer tips and a review. It’s refreshing to listen to something unique and not just another cookie cutter gamer podcast.  They do new games, old games, PC games, games from any console, take requests from listeners and every 5th podcast is a video.  The “Bulletstorm” and “Homefront” episodes are a good place to start for first time listeners, if they don’t get you hooked, this probable isn’t a podcast for you.

4. Hollywood Babble On
I enjoy most of the Smodcast Podcast, but “Hollywood Babble On” is by far the best.  Each week Kevin Smith and Ralph Garman talk about everything that has been going on in the world of entertainment.  Kevin (being a director) and Ralph (being on TV, movies, and radio) offer a rare perspective other entertainment podcast lack.  Not to mention it is always the funniest thing I hear all week.

5. The Geekcast
“The Geekcast” is the only non-explicit podcast on my list, but what it lacks in dick jokes it more than makes up for in content. I am a nerd.  I enjoy gadgets, phones, computers, games and other tech shit.  And that is who this podcast is for.  “The Geekcast” is a technology podcast hosted by all-around tech guy and self-proclaimed geek Aaron Crocco. Co-hosting the show are Aaron’s gamer friend Gozer and super-tech pal Allen who both add unique views and discussions to every episode. The show features how-to segments, the latest tech news, hacks, video game reviews and all-around geek fun. For users of all skill level, The Geekcast is sure to entertain.

Honorable mentions
Doug Loves Movies, The Adam Carolla Show, Film Vault, How Did This Get Made?, GameSpy Debriefings, The Nerdist, WTF, and NLF Rants & Raves

The Aristocrats (America’s Got Talent Edition)

 (I am reposting some of my old blogs to my new home at wordpress – With the new season of America’s Got Talent I thought it would be a good time to repost this gem originally posted 9/25/2008 I know a judge and the host have changed, but I think the premise holds up.  I was thinking about doing an updated version but, I’m way to fucking lazy)

  The Aristocrats (America’s Got Talent Edition)

Jerry Springer - “This next act comes from Dayton Ohio, let’s hear a round of applause for Gus, Sue and Friends.”

Gus and Sue come out and Gus simply says “We will entertain you”.  Then Sue drops to the ground and spreads her legs to reveal she is not wearing any panties.  She pulls out a harmonica and begins to play a Blues Travelers song with her meat wallet.  After she has completed the song she stands up and starts to juggle some tennis balls.  While she is juggling Gus begins to beef her from behind.

Piers Morgan  BUZZ

The buzzing doesn’t break Sue or Gus’s concentration at all.  After a few minutes the jugging is done and Gus takes the five tennis balls and shoves them into Sue’s cooch.  Out walks Billie Jean King.  She stands on the opposite side of the stage and Sue, using only the power of her vagina, shoots the tennis balls to Billie Jean.  The balls fly toward Billie Jean at a great velocity but she is able to smack them into the crowd with her racket.  After the fifth ball is returned Billie Jean goes trout snout on Sue while using her racket handle as an anal stimulator.

Then out walks Season 2 winner Terry Fator.  Terry comes out with a puppet that looks like R Kelly.  The puppet begins to sing “Bump and Grind”.  Then the puppet undoes his pants to expose his puppet peter and begins to piss on all the underage girls in the crowd.  Then Terry did something to prove he was the worlds best ventriloquist.  He went over and sucked off Gus for the rest of the song, never missing a beat or a word.  Any ventriloquist can drink water while performing, but how many can suck a cock?  And that was where the act ended.

 

Jerry Springer - “That was great, If this act doesn’t work out for you, your more than welcome on my show anytime.” “Let’s go to the judges”

David Hasselhoff - “That was awesome!” “It reminded me of this time on the set of my hit television series Baywatch”  “Jeremy Jackson was in my dressing room practicing CPR on my Johnson when in walks Pamela Anderson who insists on us both giving her an Alabama Hot Pocket which of course lead to a Devils Three Way.” “I refer to that night as 2 guys, 2 D-Cups with a side order of E. Coli and Hepatitis.”  “Your act had that kind of power and emotion, You are what this show is all about.” “As far as I’m concerned your the act to beat, Your going to Vegas”

Sharon Osbourne – “That act was barking mad, but I loved every last minute of it.” “It reminded me of this time when Black Sabbath and Judas Priest were touring together.” ”I found Ozzy backstage biting the head off of Rob Halford’s uncircumcised penis, then Ozzy lubed a mic stand up with Crisco and lodged about 3 feet of it up Rob’s bum which of course lead to a Devils Three Way“  Then we all got piss drunk and ended the evening giving each other Golden Showers at the Alamo while Ronnie James Dio stood in the corner and masturbated.” “That was the last day I really felt alive, until today.” “You act has the power to change lives, it’s a YES from me your going to Vegas.”

Piers Morgan - “The reason I buzzed was because you started with some heterosexual anal sex and I am repulsed by anything heterosexual, but once you brought out Terry and the dyke tennis player things heated up and I rather enjoyed your act.  It’s a Yes from me, Your going to Vegas. But I was thinking that an act of this magnitude needs a catchy name, So Gus have you given any thought of what you are going to call your act.

Gus – “me and Sue were thinking of calling ourselves “The Aristocrats”

What A long strange trip it’s been

(I am reposting some of my old blogs to my new home at wordpress – originally posted 12/17/2008 )

The other day my cousin CJ called.  He had just scored some acid and wanted to know if I wanted go check out the holiday lights and hit a few clubs with him.  I was in the middle of lecturing him on the dangers of hallucinogenics, when my mom buzzed in on the other line.  She needed me to come over immediately.  She said it was a family crisis.  So I hung up on CJ and rushed over to my parents’ house.

About a week ago my mom had slipped on some ice and busted her hip.  I assumed it had something to do with that.  I got to the house and mom told me that dad was missing.  Mom has been unable to keep an eye on dad because of her hip injury and she thinks he has been watching war movies.  My father has never served in the military but he has a rare post-traumatic stress condition where if he watches to many war movies he begins to have flashbacks and wig out.  So I told mom I would go find dad.

I drove around for about 15 minutes looking for dad.  Just when I was about to give up and call the police,  I saw a monkey in full camouflage and boots dart down an alley, that had to be dad (green camouflage sticks out like a sore thumb in the snow).  So I followed him.  I later found him setting a trip wire in front of the Nail-Me-Sogood nail salon.  After I calmed him down I got him into the car and was about to take him home, when my phone rang.  It was the owner of  Organ Grinders, a local strip club, there was an altercation and he wanted me to come pick up cousin CJ.  So me and dad went to pick up CJ.

As soon as we walked inside my dad yells “Nothing in the world smells like that.” “I love the smell of Cotton Candy Body spray in the morning”.  I knew bringing him here was a mistake but I didn’t have time to take him home.  I told the bouncer I was here to pick up CJ and asked him what happened.  He said “Jade walked up to CJ and he started freaking out and talking about anaphylactic shock and asking for epinephrine” “So I cuffed him to a pole in a VIP room.”  So the bouncer took me to CJ.  They had a hold’em tournament going on in the VIP room, I guess when they called me and not the police.  I asked CJ what had happened and he went on to tell me that Jade put a piece of lasagna in his face and that with his severe tomato food allergies he was afraid of going into anaphylactic shock.  CJ was defiantly tripping balls, but in his defense, I saw Jade when I walked in and her clam wallet did resemble a piece of lasagna.  Dad went on to tell CJ that “You can never trust a Da Nang stripper.” “They are all love you long time until you find out that she hid a razor blade in her lasagna in hopes of splitting your breadstick.”

I got CJ and Dad back in the car and decided I would take them back to my house for the night so I could keep an eye on them.  Some days I really hate my family.

5 Things You Need a Vagina To Appreciate

There are some things in life that dudes just don’t give a shit about, here are 5 things that any self respecting guy has no need for (in no particular order)

1. The Royal Wedding

I was just looking though the TV listings this week and noticed that half the shit on is about the wedding of William and Kate.  I would understand if the BBC dedicated the week to Brit-nuptials but must it be on every channel?  (If I wanted to see royalty get married, I’d watch a Disney movie) I live in America where we don’t have royalty (except for Prince and he’s already married, to a girl, I know surprised me too.) and have no interest in people from another countries wedding.  I don’t understand why anyone (women) would want to watch two strangers get married.  Hell, I didn’t want to go to my brothers wedding and I lived with him for 18 years.

2. Dancing With the Stars

I don’t know any guys who give a shit about “Dancing With the Stars” (Dancing With the Some-What Familiar would be a more appropriate title).  I understand how the ladies might enjoy a bunch of B-listers dressing up in fancy gowns and tuxedos, but not a dude.  The only way ABC could make this show more appealing to males is to rename it “Lap Dancing With the Stars”.  Maybe it’s just me, but the only dances I want to see Cheryl Burke do is a Tube Snake Boogie, a Horizontal Bop, or the Poontango.

3. The Twilight Saga

No guys I know of enjoy the the Twilight Saga (I’m not saying they won’t sit through it in hopes of getting a laid). But I’ll admit I have never read the books, but I did sit through the first movie and it was fucking awful. Maybe if I were immortal like Edward, I wouldn’t have been so pissed about the 2 hours of my life I wasted watching that piece of shit. I mean come on, how many damn windows did that house have. I’ve seen greenhouses with less windows. The Count on Sesame Street is more frightening than these vampires. And where was the blood. I had to wait till almost the end to see some blood. A vampire movie without blood is like a porn without nudity. A friend (female, of course) did tell me that in the last book the wolf boy imprints (she described it as some type of love at first site bullshit) on the main chics newborn baby. (OOPS, Spoiler Alert, Bitches).  I do wonder how that will be filmed and not come off creepy and pediphallic (may have made that word up, I sometimes do that).  Maybe Chris Hansen will get a cameo.

4. Oprah
Oprah started her career as the female version of Phil Donahue and quickly took over.  Her words became gospel to all the stay at home moms and housewives.  She then went on publish her own magazine, start her own book club, develop a XM radio station, and most recently launch her own TV channel called the Oprah Winfrey Network (AKA I can’t believe it’s not Lifetime).  All of which only appeal to the ladies.  She also gave careers to Gayle King and Dr Phil which is reason enough no to like her.

5. Lifetime Movies
Men don’t Appreciate Lifetime Movies, but why should they?  Most Lifetime Movies center around men who are abusive, men who cheat, men who turn daughters into whores, men who steal your baby and then then try to sell it on the Hungarian black market. or some other shit where men end up being villains.

I like to Swatch

I once complained that whenever I search for Mulatto Porn on the internet I never find exactly what I’m looking for. Someone needs to create a color swatch system for porn. People use color swatches to choose paints, carpets, and which children to adopt (yes I’m talking about you Angelina Jolie), why not use them for internet porn. I long for a day that I can simply type Almond 0021 girl on Siena Sand 0016 girl action into my search engine and find the porn I’m looking for.
I just dream of a day when a guy can find porn in any hue he is looking for, weather that be light as an albino or dark as night or anything in between.

Semi-related note: I personally have never seen albino porn, and I question it’s existence. I just Googled it out of curiosity and nothing but really pale chics came up, if her eyes aren’t as pink as her…as her…as her tongue, she isn’t an albino, she’s just some goth bitch who could use some sun.. If there is no such thing as albino porn that only supports my theory that albinos are actually asexually reproducing aliens (better known as Paliens). Sent to Earth to steal our pigments.